Once I Was Real
by julian bb
Summary: DB/ If he squints hard enough, they can all blur into Blair.


**AN: My first Gossip Girl story. The destruction of Dair broke my heart. I wanted to write my own version of D/B in season 6, but we all know it's never gonna happen. Anyways. Good? Shitty? Please let me know if it's any good.**

**-xx-**

**Once I Was Real**

_love is less always than to win_  
_less never than alive_  
_less bigger than the least begin_  
_less littler than forgive_

_—e.e. cummings_

**-xx-**

Dan enjoys himself in Rome with Georgina.

He thinks that's the first sign of the End of Days or something.

But it's nice—the distance from the city and the time to himself and writing so freely without struggling for the right words.

And seeing Milo again—that's his favorite part, really.

Milo's two now, but he still has a little brown beanie with little bear ears and he takes to Dan instantly.

So Dan plays with him out in the grass and reads him C.S. Lewis books and does different voices for all the characters.

"...and I'm to go back. Alone. And at once. And what _is_ the good of anything?" Dan reads from _The Voyage of the Dawn Trader _as Milo drifts off to sleep.

_And how fitting is this to my life_, he thinks to himself. Because he'll have to leave this Rome bubble sooner or later, and he'll be leaving alone.

Very fitting indeed.

**-xx-**

"Don't take him to the City." Dan tells Georgina randomly one afternoon as they walk through ludoteca Casina di Raffaello with Milo.

Milo runs around the swing-set and he has joy in his eyes, and he's happy and carefree and innocent and good and just so..._untainted_.

"It'll ruin him. And he deserves better. He deserves a chance to be relatively normal and well-adjusted."

_Milo shouldn't end up like us_, is what he really means.

And Georgina hears what Dan doesn't explicitly say.

"No, I don't think I'll take him back." is all she says on the subject.

**-xx-**

Dan writes late into the night, and Georgina proofreads bits and pieces, offering input and adding one or two details that Dan had missed.

When Dan finally finishes the revised draft, he finally allows Georgina to read the whole thing.

"Wow. I wasn't aware you had this in you, Humphrey." Georgina says, not quite able to hide the surprise in her tone, "Are you sure about this? It'll...annihilate and alienate pretty much everyone you know. Did Blair really hurt you that badly?"

Dan licks his lips, "I think she'll appreciate the poetic justice. Especially since when it comes to destroying others, nobody does it better than she does."

Georgina smirks, "Maybe so, but that's only because I retired from the game."

Dan chuckles good-naturedly, "Of course." he concedes.

**-xx-**

To everything there's a season, and so the summer comes to a close and Dan Humphrey must come home.

Georgina watches him as he grabs his bags, "Got everything?"

Dan replies with a silent nod, and she takes his phone. "What're you doing?" he asks with a furrowed brow.

"Just a little memento from your Italian summer." Georgina hands him the phone back, a picture of Dan and Milo in the park now acting as wallpaper.

Dan smiles at the sight, "Thank you, Georgina," he says sincerely, "For everything. This was..._nice_. Surprisingly so."

"Don't get used to it, Humphrey." Georgina snorts, "As soon as you walk out the door it's back to reality."

Dan nods, "I'm well aware."

"Good." Georgina says, "Stay gold, Ponyboy."

Dan has to chuckle at that. _Oh, if only it were so easy_. He hasn't been gold in a while, doesn't think he was ever gold at all.

"Goodbye, Georgina."

**-xx-**

One nine-hour flight later, Dan Humphrey is back in New York City.

The loft is empty, and just as he left it—but Blair's things still linger everywhere: her duvet on his bed, her Audrey Hepburn collection by his Mac, her Venus razor in the shower and her intoxicating scent lingering on every corner.

"Welcome home, Dan." he mutters to himself as he drops his bags on the floor.

_Blair, I told you I loved you and you pretended like you didn't even hear me._

_Dan, let's just put all that behind us._

_See, you're doing it again. Do you even want to be in this relationship?_

_Of course!_

_Is the reason you can't say you love me because you're still in love with Chuck?_

_No._

Dan shakes his head as if to snap himself out of it. He needs to let this go and move on.

It's pretty late so he resolves to crash and call Alessandra in the morning since she'd been hounding him all summer about the new book.

He fires up his MacBook and types a quick email saying he'll be dropping by tomorrow with the final draft of his next novel.

**-xx-**

Alessandra reads the whole thing in under five hours and calls Dan immediately.

"_I love it_!" she exclaims, "_I literally could _not_ put it down. It is infinitely better than _Inside_. The design team is already working on a cover and we're already working up a few proposals for the marketing campaign, but I want to go over all of it with you before we pick anything. Do you have a title in mind, though? The file you gave me was just titled Doc1_."

Dan clears his throat, "Yeah, actually I have." he says, "Arcanum."

"_Arcanum_?" Alessandra questions.

"Yes." Dan replies, "It means a profound secret or mystery."

Alessandra smiles, "_Intrigue. I like it. It sells._" she says, "_Oh, I sent a bunch of your fan mail over by courier today. Since you left no forwarding address, I've been saving it up for you. _Inside_ got quite the popularity boost while you were away. I'll call you to set up a meeting with a couple of the department heads this week, alright_?"

"That's fine. Thanks, Alessandra."

Dan hits the _End Call_ button and smiles to himself.

This is really happening right now. And there's no taking it back.

**-xx-**

As it turns out, Dan Humphrey is not Chuck Bass and he is not Nate Archibald, and he most certainly does not have a little black book filled with call girls on-demand.

(His entire little black book is four girls, and that's counting Blair.)

It's the entire reason he fucked Serena. Because after all these years, he was still an outsider. He was never going to belong. Even when he stooped to their level (which happened more often than he cared to admit), he still wasn't a part of _That World_. Because Dan would forever be Lonely Boy and the Humphreys would always be the poor family from Brooklyn.

And so, if not Serena, then who else was it gonna be?

But it's different now.

As it turns out, there _is_ such a thing as lit-groupies, and Dan has plenty of them.

He rotates through them at random, never repeating one, never letting them spend the night. They're just warm bodies, something to help him forget.

If he squints hard enough, they can all blur into Blair. And when he closes his eyes, it's almost as good as the real thing.

_Almost_.

But almost has never been enough for anyone, has it?

So he fucks them hard and fast and angry. And then he sends them on their way.

In fact, he becomes surprisingly adept at acting like Nate and Chuck, sleeping around with an endless parade of meaningless women and completely disconnecting himself from the world.

He's well aware that it as absurd—stupid, really—to think that he could erase Blair with other bodies like that.

But it's also easier that way, he realizes. And easier is better.

He works and fucks and tries to forget how to feel.

Rufus worries, of course, but he's so wrapped up in this season's drama with Lily that he doesn't bother to give Dan a hard time about things.

And so life continues as per usual.

**-xx-**

Then along comes Aubrey.

Dan doesn't particularly bother to learn her last name, but she's smart enough and she has alabaster skin and dark auburn hair.

He lets her spend the night sometimes.

And when she's asleep face down in his bed with her hair cascading across her back and covering her face, it's almost Blair.

_Almost_.

But almost has never been enough for anyone, has it?

"Sometimes I think you're just a sad little boy," Aubrey says one day while they're in bed, her fingers running softly through his hair.

Dan smirks and sinks into her, making her moan, "Does it look like I'm sad, baby?" he whispers huskily.

He isn't sad.

But then again he isn't much of anything these days.

He thinks maybe it's time to get rid of Aubrey.

And she's erased from his life by the end of the week.

**-xx-**

Months pass, and just like before Dan gets his advance copy of the book delivered by courier.

He runs his fingers along the spine of the book, over his name and the title. On the inside cover, a large blurb reads:

_Grittier and dirtier than before..._  
_Daniel Humphrey is back with a vengeance.  
And this time he takes no prisoners. _

Rumors about who's who in the new novel fly rampant, but Dan pays no mind to them. He attends the launch party and does interviews, but reveals nothing.

He doesn't read the critics this time around. He's really perfected the art of not giving a shit.

Alessandra tells him everyone's expeculating—from the _Times_ to _Gossip Girl_—but Dan's cut himself off from that part of the business.

Dan does learn that _Arcanum_ created enough heat to finally smoke Serena out of hiding. This time around she's supposedly marrying some Barry Watson look-alike called Steven Spence.

Nate immediately calls him to sign him up for the cause. Operation Save Serena From Herself #122 is on, and the entire Non-Judging Breakfast Club has signed up for it. Blair and Chuck are flying in from wherever they'd disappeared to in order to pitch in.

"Not interested." Dan says curtly.

"Dan," Nate sighs, "This isn't you, man. You love S., too. And she needs us now."

Dan snorts, "I don't love anyone, Nate." he says, "And Serena doesn't need us, she's just doing what she always does—screwing herself over so everyone can rally to save her and conveniently forget what a selfish bitch she really is. And you know what, I'm done playing that game." He hits the red _End Call_ and turns the iPhone off.

_Let somebody else rescue the fucked-up Cinderella_, Dan thinks. _I'm done_.

Lily comes over to recruit him for the cause as well. She's both hurt and dismayed when he turns her away. "What happened to you, Daniel?" she asks, concern etched on her voice, "When did you become so cold?"

"Since I learned that the only person Serena van der Woodsen loves is herself." Dan replies, "Just like everybody else in the Upper East Side."

All the way from Saint Martins in London, Eric van der Woodsen sends him the Gossip Girl link:

_Looks like Lonely Boy took a page from the Chuck Bass playbook and went from heartbroken to heart_less_._

Along with a short message:

_You were supposed to be better than that. _

_—E_

Dan deletes the email. He no longer thinks he's better than anyone.

Not anymore.

(Maybe he never really was.)

**-xx-**

Less than a week later, Blair Waldorf walks into his loft unannounced. "What the hell is wrong with you, Humphrey?" She is clearly upset.

Dan stands in front of his mirror buttoning up his Armani shirt, his curly hair damp from the shower. Seeing her standing there ignites..._something_ in his veins, but he covers it well. "Hello to you, too, Waldorf." he greets detachedly.

Blair rolls her eyes in annoyance, "Could we just skip the pleasantries?"

"I wasn't aware you did pleasantries, but sure." Dan finishes doing his shirt and turns to face her, arms crossed over his chest, "What do you want, Blair?"

Blair glares, "I am pissed as hell at you. The book—_Arcanum_—it's cruel and thoughtless." she says evenly, "And I'm also sorry I hurt you, but spare me the victim act. I know you slept with Serena at the Shepherd party." She sighs, waves a hand in the air dismissively, "But we need to put all that on pause. S. is in trouble. She needs us."

"I don't give a fuck what any of you need." Dan scoffs, "Serena is not my problem."

Blair frowns, "Why are you being like this? I am so tired of you acting like a sanctimonious jackass as if you're so above us all! You fucked Serena—out of all people, you slept with her! There are less cruel ways to hurt me." she pinches the bridge of her nose, shakes her head. "Are we really going to do this here, now?"

"Yes!" Dan yells back, "For once in your goddamned life you're gonna talk to me—about _us_! I never set out to hurt you. I'm not defending what I did with Serena—it's indefensible and it was unkind, and even if there'd been no us it still would've been a mistake. But I didn't chose Serena, I chose _you_. What happened was a drunken mistake fueled by heartache. I thought you were leaving me. And it turns out I was right, so what does it matter anyway."

Blair thinks it's like a chain. At some point they all started ruining each other and now it's too tangled up to realize who screwed over who first. Her, Chuck, Serena, Dan, Nate—an endless loop of sex, drama and hurt. And love, too. She has to believe they all love each other, too. Otherwise it's all really for naught or for sport and that's just...wrong. Even for them.

_They're all good men before something happens to them, S. Some of them stay good. No matter how they're treated._

She remembers saying to Serena last year. She wonders if she's what happened to Dan, and thinks that she's not blameless in this either.

But she's Blair Waldorf and she refuses to back down. "I could have forgiven any other girl—but not Serena."

Dan smirks with a hint of disdain and lets out a wry snort, "Ironic." he shoots back, "I would've forgiven you choosing anyone but Chuck."

"Looks like we're at a stalemate, then." And the chess metaphor is fitting, since everything seems to be a game anyways.

Dan throws his arms in the air, "Neither of us got what we wanted in the end." he says, "Or at least you did. So why the hell does it matter?"

"Because we both chose the wrong things." Blair says earnestly, "You were my best friend, and despite what you may believe, I never wanted to lose that. To lose you. I missed you so much these past few months. And then I'm strolling through Barnes & Noble and I find _Arcanum_ and...is that really what we've become? I couldn't believe you'd actually do that to me."

Dan shrugs, "I guess you could say I wanted you to hurt like I hurt." he says, "And I wouldn't take it back."

"Chuck and I..." Blair lets her voice trails off, knows she shouldn't be showing her cards this early in the game, "It's not working. It'll never work. He will always love himself more than he loves me. And I will always love him more than he can love me. It goes both ways, I guess." She shakes her head sadly, "He says he's not Mr. Blair Waldorf. And I didn't want him to be. That's not what a relationship should be. I thought we could be...a team. A relationship that was our world. I had that with you. And I let it go. So I guess you were right. Neither of us got what we wanted in the end." She pauses and locks eyes with him, "And I regret it."

Dan blinks, looks away, "I'm not going to help haul Serena back, Blair." he says, "People are who they are, and whether she sinks or swim, she has to do it on her own this time. We can't help her. It's time to grow up. All of us." He picks up a pin-striped jacket off the couch and shrugs it on, "And I've got a party to get to. Lock up before you leave."

**-xx-**

The party seems to be moving in fast forward and Dan's not all there anyway. He smiles for a few pictures, shakes some hands and signs a couple of books, but he's disconnected from the entire thing.

_I had that with you. And I let it go. And I regret it_.

Dan snags a glass of champagne off a waiter's tray and downs half of it in a gulp. He closes his eyes and lets the alcohol run through his system.

Jesus, what the fuck is he doing? This is what he wanted—well, not what he wanted, but it's a chance to get it all back.

They've both fucked up, and maybe they can throw away the scoreboard and just try to be happy together.

They can start anew.

Dan sets down the glass on a table and rushes out of the party then hops a cab to Blair's Fifth Avenue penthouse.

He bursts out of elevator and spots Blair sitting at the bottom of the marble staircase, a copy of _Inside_ in her hands. "Dan." she says surprised, standing up, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm not the good guy." Dan sighs, shakes his head, "I don't always do the right thing. And I'm always blaming the money or everyone else. But the only person I have to blame is myself. I let my pride get in the way. I gave you an unfair ultimatum. And I've messed up so much. But…I don't wanna lose you. Not again. I love you. And I can't stop, believe me I've tried." he licks his lips, "But tonight I realized I don't want to stop. I want more. I want you. I want _us_."

Blair furrows her brow, "Do you really mean that?" she asks. They've been trough so much. Can they really let it all go and just start over? "Is it even possible to get it back?"

"I think we just...don't believe we deserve good things. We're so flawed. But you do. I do. We deserve love. We deserve to be happy. And we can have all of that and more together. A fresh start. No lies. No secrets. No games. We can go away." Dan says, "I love you. There's...no future without you. And I'd like to try again."

Blair walks over to him, "I'd like to try, too." she says, reaches for his hands, "I love you, Dan." she smiles, "I'm just sorry it took me so long to say it."

"I'm sorry for...everything." Dan leans forward, captures her lips in a soft kiss. They pull away, their foreheads resting together, "What now?"

Blair shrugs, "Beats me, Humphrey." she replies, "You're the one running this show, being all hyper-verbal with all your big love declarations." she teases with a smile.

Dan grins, "Come on," he reaches for her hand and their fingers automatically entwine, "We can go back to the party. It'll be fun. We can make fun of people." he offers, knowing that she loves that.

Blair arches her eyebrows in interest, "Hmm, I _do_ like making fun of people." she says matter-of-factly.

Dan brings her hand to his lips, presses a kiss to her knuckles, "I'm well aware."

* * *

**Title comes from the song _Once_ by Caleb Kane. It served as inspiration. All other quotes are identified within the story, but any questions just act.**

**—J**


End file.
